i was super emo last night and it got worst this morning when i realized i misplaced my phone.
i was in super self loathing mode. i hate myself so much that i wish i could die in a horrible death.
but i m beginning to really get sick of this feeling i am having. so what he is currently labeled as the love of my life and he doesn't reciprocate? life still move on leh. i m still fucking breathing. the birds are still fucking chirping happily outside. the sun is still shinning brightly and i m in no way dying from any horrible death. although self termination is seriously very tempting at this moment. but no la. i still got a lot of things to do and say and eat and see leh. maybe i m masochist in a way la... coz i would love to go into the drug scene again. really really really wish. a friend asked me last night why am i in self destructive mode? why do i wanna cheapen myself for things that i want to do? and i asked him back, how to cheapen when there is no value at all?
this is a ranting and most likely illogical sounding post. i know. it doesnt really make sense. i know. coz i dont make sense at all.
i just know i m angry with myself. angry for being such a wuss, angry for getting myself into this predicament.
so i m gonna move on. if 2012 is really coming to reality, life is too fucking short to wallow. i wanna do what i wanna do. i wanna live life to the fullest and be more selfish and self centred and try to love myself for once. that's something i've not done before! oh oh... and i wanna have lesbian sex! :D :D :D :D :D and maybe another try at 3some :D :D :D :D :D :D
p/s: no, the love of my life is not an asshole. he made it very clear that he aint interested from the start. it's all my own doing :D