Nuffnang

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

RIP Ah Ma

(Photo taken from my uncle's FB page)

Ah Ma (my maternal grandmother) passed away peacefully last night. I got the news when I was out having supper with my colleagues. Halfway eating, i decided to check my handphone and saw a missed call from my aunt. When i saw the missed call, i immediately had a bad feeling. i was imagining the worst - that something happened to my mom. i tried calling her back but she was engaged all the time. so i messaged her. and she called me back immediately. then her son called me too.

Ah Ma and I are not very close. I am not going to be a hypocrite and make it sound like we are super close. We are not. We have a huge language barrier. Ah Ma can only speaks Heng Hwa and a mixture of hokkien and mandarin. I can only speak Mandarin and a limited hokkien. In the recent years, Ah Ma gets super easily angry and frustrated. So whenever we tried to communicate with each other, she will end up shouting and scolding me out of frustrations that i do not understand what was she talking about. But i have never been angry or feel hurt by Ah Ma's shouting before. I will always end up manja-ing her and say "Haiyoooo.... Ah Ma, mai mang chang la... wo bo ming pek leh. sorry lor... wa bo yong, beh hiao tia..." translation :"Haiyooooo.... Ah Ma, dont frust la, i dont understand leh. Sorry lor, i useless, dont know how to understand" whilst smiling at her and she will always end up smiling cutely and say "beh hiao kin la" translation "nevermind la"

Despite all these language barrier, i do have my fair share of fond memories of her throughout my life. 

I remember vividly Ah Ma used to stay above a rickety wooden pre war shop lot along Jalan Mengkibol. When i was young, my parents will always bring us to visit her there. She will always make us each a glass of orange squash. Somehow her orange square is the nicest orange squash i have ever tasted. Whenever i tried to make myself a glass, it wont taste the same!

I also remember bringing mom and Ah Ma out to the nearby hypermart after dinner just so that Ah Ma can look at stuffs instead of staying at home all the time.

I stopped going to Ah Ma's place a few months ago. In fact, i avoid going there coz everytime i go there, Ah Ma will ask me why my mom hasnt come back from USA yet. I really dont know how to answer and lie to her anymore. And everytime she will end up sobbing asking me why mommy went to usa so suddenly and didnt say good bye to her. i really really really really feel like shit whenever that happened. and everytime i voice my concern to my uncles and aunties, they will assure me that Ah Ma will not remember anymore coz Ah Ma has dementia. Then everytime i go, again, Ah Ma's dementia miraculously got cured and asked me about mom. 

That is my regret. I regret being selfish, thinking about my own discomfort and decided not to spend more time with her. 

But i am also feeling very sure and assured that Ah Ma is definitely at a better place now. At least she is not suffering and that she is reunited with Ah Kong again. 

So just now when i went to Ah Ma's coffin to see Ah Ma, she looked so peaceful. I said this to her "Ah Ma, wa lai liao. Ah Ma lu ya sui oh! Ah Ma ching pao yu mommy kuai dian hao chi lai oh!" translation (i was mixing hokkien and mandarin) "Ah Ma, i am here. Ah Ma you look good oh! Ah Ma please bless mommy to recover faster" 

May Ah Ma rest in peace. 

Saturday, March 12, 2016

My current loop


Perfect
I might never be your knight in shining armour
I might never be the one you take home to mother
And I might never be the one who brings you flowers
But I can be the one, be the one tonight
When I first saw you
From across the room
I could tell that you were curious,
Oh, yeah
Girl, I hope you’re sure
What you're looking for
'Cause I'm not good at making promises
But if you like causing trouble up in hotel rooms
And if you like having secret little rendezvous
If you like to do the things you know that we shouldn’t do
Then baby, I'm perfect
Baby, I'm perfect for you
And if you like midnight driving with the windows down
And if you like going places we can’t even pronounce
If you like to do whatever you've been dreaming about
Then baby, you're perfect
Baby, you're perfect
So let's start right now
I might never be the hands you put your heart in
Or the arms that hold you any time you want them
But that don’t mean that we can’t live here in the moment
'Cause I can be the one you love from time to time
When I first saw you
From across the room
I could tell that you were curious,
Oh, yeah
Girl, I hope you’re sure
What you're looking for
'Cause I'm not good at making promises
But if you like causing trouble up in hotel rooms
And if you like having secret little rendezvous
If you like to do the things you know that we shouldn’t do
Then baby, I'm perfect
Baby, I'm perfect for you
And if you like midnight driving with the windows down
And if you like going places we can’t even pronounce
If you like to do whatever you've been dreaming about
Then baby, you're perfect
Baby, you're perfect
So let's start right now
And if you like cameras flashing every time we go out,
Oh, yeah
And if you're looking for someone to write your break-up songs about
Baby, I'm perfect
Baby, we're perfect
If you like causing trouble up in hotel rooms
And if you like having secret little rendezvous
If you like to do the things you know that we shouldn’t do
Then baby, I'm perfect
Baby, I'm perfect for you
And if you like midnight driving with the windows down
And if you like going places we can’t even pronounce
If you like to do whatever you've been dreaming about
Then baby, you're perfect
Baby, you're perfect
So let's start right now

Friday, March 11, 2016

Feeling super sad, jaded and disappointed at the moment.

I feel like I m in a fucking rut. Seriously hate the feeling of helplessness. Hate that I am stuck in the predicament that I am in.

Sometimes I wish to really take the fucking selfish courage and just pack up and leave. But I know I cannot live with the guilt for the rest of my life.

I am increasingly pissed off and bitter as days goes by.

I get it, I am the daughter. I get it, I have to be filial. I get it.  But please stop harping on it and kept on giving me the guilt trip every single fucking time you want me to do something!

I honestly feel like I have been pushed to a corner.

The maid has been giving so much problem and when I highlighted it, I was asked to deal with it. Words are so damn fucking cheap.

Work wise, I m increasingly pissed off with the management. I have never worked in a company that doesn't value their staffs at all. In fact, their attitude is that the staffs are supposed to be grateful to be employed by them! When shit happens, instead of solving the issue and ensure that the issue will not arise, they launch a witch hunt and not solve the issue at all.

Colleagues wise, I still super love my team.

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

I have been having dreams about MF almost everyday. Some weird, some sweet, some sad. Some sexual.

He has been busy for the past week and we haven't chatted for the whole duration. I have to admit, it takes a lot of self control and self discipline not to message him. Coz I really missed him a lot.

In the meantime, I stumbled on a good deal from Maxis for iPhone 6s and I did something I am not really proud of. I ended up buying it. And now, I am a happy and proud owner of Rosie Junior. And yet I am guilty for spending money that I shld spend on mom.

Work wise, it has been a non stop laughing days with my group of whacky colleagues. Everyday, without fail, something silly or stupid will trigger our laughter until stomach cramps, wheezing for breath and then when we look at each other, the laughter starts all over again! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
Aiyah!!! I lost my train of thoughts coz I am watching CSI:Cyber at the same time πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Saturday, March 5, 2016

I did something out of a whim and until now I am not sure if I will regret or am I already regretting. I know I am feeling awfully guilty.

I am able to justify the action. But somehow my justification sound more like a feeble excuse to do what I did.