Sunday, February 28, 2016

Emotional day

The day started from bad to worst.

First, bloody colleague from marketing team msg me at 4 something in the morning asking for a report that I sent yesterday afternoon. If send me 1 msg I can accept la. I won't be woken up. But he sent damn a lot until I woke up and saw the msg. And I got tulan! Somemore he can give stupid excuses. And tried to make things better by telling me he has been working  the whole nite. Then today when I went to work, I saw his fb, he was out with his friends for late nite impromptu movie leh! What bullshit?!

Then came to work tired coz I couldn't sleep back. And a lot of problematic customers. By the time we all can take our lunch break, it was close to 2pm liao!

Then MF told me that he and siao ding dong meeting up in QLD and basically he reject me again la. Reading the things about her makes my heart ache with envy. I didn't even have the rights to be jealous. I just feel damn sad.

Then to top it off, right before I leave the mall, I bumped into Papa Ang's good friends. Actually not really bumped into, they came to the mall to check on me and as they were walking towards my outlet, we bumped into each other. I was obliged to have tea with them and they kept on telling me stories about papa and their adventures when they were school boys. And I felt even more depressed. I miss papa sooooooooo much! I really really really really don't know when will I ever stop missing him. I miss talking to him daily in the evening when I am stuck in the jam. He always call me that time coz he knew I will be bored in the jam and we will chat about anything! From my frustrations at work to his stress with his business to my love life (ya, I got angin one. When I feel like it, I will blurt things out to him). He knows most of my crushes. He knows about JF and casually tried arranged for dinner with him and his family once when we both happened to be in Kluang for the weekend. Papa Ang and JF's father are friends. Very stupid one. Luckily his plan never fall through la! Imagine the awkwardness! He knows about my on off crush on MF and there was once I was so miserable coz as usual, my feelings for MF got so overwhelming, I forced myself to not contact him anymore, papa Ang actually came up to KL with mummy and asked me to take an impromptu trip up to Genting with them. I miss him so much. Especially now I m feeling miserable all over again.

Then just now when I came back, I went to spend time with mummy. As I was talking to her, I ended up bawling my heart out. I kept on asking her to faster get well. I miss chatting with her also leh. I promised her I will not fight with her anymore. I am sorry. I am truly truly sorry and guilty.

And since I was already feeling so down and miserable, my natural masochist self decided to be reminded of J, MS and W. I know I put up a brave front telling everyone I have written J and MS off my life and that I don't really care or mind them at all. That is a lie la. Of coz I am still hurt la. Recently they made plans to meet up for a holiday together to celebrate us turning 40 this year. They asked me to come along and I can't. I can't afford it. I can't bring myself to go have fun overseas when mom is suffering. They didn't understand and they kept on persuading me to the extend that I got pissed. I am pissed that they cannot understand my situation. I am pissed that they do not understand how miserable I m not able to afford the much needed holiday at one of the places in the world that I really really really wish to go since forever - Bali. They did offered to pay for me. But how could I accept it?! I will never ever in my life forget them mocking me with this sentence "Aiyah, since when you go out with us u ever paid?" and when I talked to W about how hurt I was, she actually agreed with them. She said I always ordered expensive stuffs in the menu whenever they belanja. I was feeling damn indignant. She was giving me example of the Japanese meal that she belanja me. I ordered tempura set (that time was about RM27.90) she ordered Tonkatsu Don (that time was about RM22.90). I explained to her I ordered that coz that's the only food I order whenever I go to a Japanese restaurant and that when I sincerely belanja people, I really don't mind the few ringgit difference! So obviously the situation got tense and awkward after that. well, I am sorry I am always making bad choices in life. I am sorry I am always broke. I am sorry that even after I have insaf and saved up a hefty amount of money only to lose it all in my father's business! U think I don't want to have a break in life ah? U think I want to put my life on hold like this? And in my defense, I am definitely NOT a leecher ok? When we used to hang out, they always go to places I couldn't afford as a student. They were all working already. I went to college 6yrs after them. They never want to go to cheaper places. Always mocking me for my "cheap" taste. I just bear with it coz I was stupidly loyal to friends. I hold on to friends even though they are toxic. I was so stupid then. Now, fast forward back to present. My brains tell me to just fuck it. Forget about them. I even bravely tells everyone I memang fuck it liao. But my heart is aching and hurting like mad. It is more self pity than anything else la. I felt like I a loser la to be honest. A loser who doesn't have friends who crave for friends that's why I always put up with all their shit.

I have train myself now to be a loner. A very lonely loser-ish loner. I trained myself to enjoy my own entertainment. I train myself not to think so much about things I cannot control.

However, once in a while this skeleton will suddenly pops up and I get seriously emotional.

And I am pms-ing now. 😇😅

Total tissue counts for this post 25pieces. Yup, I am still fucking crying typing all these out. But I am feeling better after all these tears la.

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