i m hurting. really one... very painful.

the devil next to me is saying: go on, just end it now. no need to wait for 2 more years

the so called angel at the other side is saying: want meh?

(yea, the angel is a useless one)

the thing is, i m hurt and lonely. not oh-poor-my-i-dont-have-a-bf-lonely. i dont need one. seriously. i m lonely coz i feel damn abandoned. how come i have such parents?

i m lonely coz i dont have much friends. but then again, that is a choice i've made. on the whole, i dont trust ppl easily and it's hard for me to open up to ppl. i always feel that ppl are judging me. that's why i dont really make friends. that's why i m a crowd phobic.

i've been contemplating on going back to drugs. or at least weeds. i need happy happy thoughts. and weeds are able to gimme at least 12hrs of happy thoughts and then 6hrs of down time, better than almost a week of down time now.

i know i dont really make sense now. it's just thoughts that are in my mind and i m trying to pour them out.

seriously, weeds? suicide? both are appealing. altho i must admit suicide is more appealing than weed. seriously.

received an email from my cousin in sg. she asked if we are all going back for xmas. i really wish to, but then i cant. if i go back, i get about 10mins of laughter and then drama sure will happen. coz they will sure start to gossip about me in front of me (yes, they do that - not the cousin tho... the aunties and grandma). and then my dad will be there and he will definitely make a scene. so no, i cant be there. and that hurts me even more. it's like suddenly all the happy things are yanked out of my life. it's like i do not deserve to be happy.

seriously, if you 2 cant be good parents, u should just have fucking aborted me and not give birth to me! my brother has it easy. he ran away to the states and never coming back. leaving me with them.

i cannot let go. cannot stop harping on it. cannot stop crying. cannot stop thinking of killing myself.