... is very therapeutic
That previous post were typed with blurry tear soaked eyes. My way of coping with all these sadness is to try my very best to be positive and console myself. At least God love me. I shld be grateful that He is always faithful towards me.
But... i yearn for physical earthly love too
.... i have none
Relatives.... i have too many
I always try to lie to myself i have an awesome family. Do i? Nope. I have an awesome group of relatives.
I am all alone. An orphan. My brother has his own family that i dont belong to
My uncles and aunty have their own family that i dont belong to
My cousins have their own family that i dont belong to
Dont get me wrong, they are all nice people. But to them, I am their close relative. I am not family. They might deny it but the signs are there. Their actions and thoughts are obvious.
What are my supporting incidences that makes me feel this way?
CNY 2025 - None of the Angs side invited me to their CNY reunion. I was adopted by the Lums and the Wongs. It was fun - as a guest. I dont belong. My brother and SIL came back and had reunion with SIL's family, I was invited few hours prior - i guess as an after thought. I declined since i already accepted the Lums and Wong's invitation. After it is over, I realized the Angs had their own mini reunion, they didnt even bothered to invite me. Coz I am a relative. Not a family. I dont have a family
Kaiyeh's new GF - So Belinda and Eunice had a vid call with him and his new gf were there and they met each other. when i ask "Eh how come didnt add me in the call?" coz i treat them as family. not because i am kaypoh. Belinda's nonchalant reply were "This is our family meeting first ma... next time only add u la" I know she dont mean to hurt me. But i was hurt a bit. Yes, I dont belong. I guess i was never belonged to anywhere ever since papa and mummy passed.
When mom were still alive and bedridden, the Lims will still invite me out for CNY reunion dinner. But immediately after mom died. They cut me off completely. It was as if when mom were alive, they just tolerated me. It is still ok. I was never really close to them anyways.
Yes, my relatives are super fun. That's it. Just for fun. It is like fair-weathered friends, but they are fair-weathered relatives.
i am really an orphan trying my very best to act like i am not affected, but i am really really sad and lonely
P/S: this post is NOT asking for sympathy or asking ppl to adopt me. I dont want it anyways, coz i will never feel belonged coz it will feel like they are forcing themselves to adopt me out of pity. we can not force ppl to love and accept us.
... that Annoying Grouchy BFF (aka AK) said/did
So, AK has been traveling to KL very often for work and I have been meeting him very often to be his driver and leech on his meals (coz he gets to claim USD50 per meal and that is damn alot in Msia!!).
Anyways, recently he came at a last min notice and as usual, I went to fetch him from the airport and went makan! After makan whilst i was driving him to his hotel, he went: "Wait, I need to call my wife" - pretty normal and standard, right?
Phone rang (he did vid call)
Wife answered
Him: Babe! Remember to go collect my pants!
(I terus in my heart went: WTF! I thought he wanted to call the wife to let her know he arrived safely and he miss her and the boys already - as what a normal loving husband and daddy would do, right???)
Wife (in teasing tone): Awwwww.... and i thought you miss my face, that's why you vid call me
(Me: started laughing)
Him (not skipping a beat): I saw your face last nite already!
(Me: rolled my eyes)
they continue with their conversation and i just continue to concentrate on my driving. BY THE WAY, he is banned from sitting in front passenger seat coz he love to kacau my car android player just to annoy the hell out of me. and he knows i get super annoyed when he fiddle with the player!
Before he hang up he went: Wait babe, say hello to Jessica! (and shoved the phone to my face whilst i was driving)
We exchanged pleasantries and i got to see his boys.
Wife: Oh... I was wondering which mysterious woman you are with! It's Jessica! So it is ok!
Him: WTF
Me: Hahahahahahaah!
I love his wife! She is one of the chillest wife i have ever known! And she is sooooo pretty! Every time i see her posts and saw how pretty she is, i terus msg AK and tell him so! hahaha! i does sound like i have a crush on her hor?? hahaha
----
On the way to dinner:
AK: I miss the boys when they were younger!
Me (in my heart thinking): awwww so sweet. this daddy miss his babies! what a sweet daddy!
AK: they looked so much STUPIDER when they were younger!
Me (Burst into laughter): OI!!!! AND THERE I WAS THINKING: WAHHH THIS DADDY SO SWEET! WHERE GOT DADDY SAY SUCH THINGS ABOUT THEIR OWN CHILDREN GEH????
AK (laughed): what??? they were really stupidly cute last time ma!!!
Yes, this AK is not a conventional human. He dont really speak conventional human emotions. That's why we are BFF, he ground me when i get too emotionally!
So.... I have moved to Damansara Perdana since April this year.
Lots of things had happened! When I first decided to move to KL, I gave myself a short list of things to achieve!
1. Spiritual Journey
I want to plant myself in a church then join a Cell Group and then get baptised. So before I come here, I had a list of churches that I wanted to check out. DUMC were my priority but I was very reluctant coz I takut ramai orang. I was also considering SIB and Every Nation. Both also big big churches. The 1st church i visited was SIB coz Yu Pei goes there - so she teman me. I know Andrew Chong (AC) also attend that church and i know he serves there too... but i didnt want to mahfan him to teman me since - you know - he serving the church means he will be busy ma. I had a good 1st experience at SIB. But still reluctant to commit coz my heart tells me to check out DUMC. Then the following week were Good Friday and YP asked me wanna attend GF service in SIB or not. Ok ah! I went.... then..... i kena very bad anxieties attack. Too many human! I started to get super scared and started to shake like mad! Very thankful that YP where there la... she was very calm and kept trying to calm me down until we reached my car. 2 days later, I attended Kingdom City at the invitation of an FB friend. She know about my attacks and told me she will be there for me if i kena again in KC. She didnt tell me how huge KC was. I went KC with no idea of how KC is like. I just thought i am going there to celebrate Jesus' resurrection. But i got the impression we go there to worship the founding Pastor! So I didnt like it there. Told Uncle Victor about the experience and he suggest i try DUMC-MD. It is a smaller branch from the main church which is super near where i am staying and his god daughter Purdy attends that church too. So i got AC to teman me. We attended, I immediately like how small the church is - but i still got mild anxieties attack. Merissa, sweet sweet Merissa, rescued me to a corner and talked to me and calmed me down. And that is when I know DUMC-MD is my home church this season. Since then, I have joined the same CG as Purdy and made fast friends with her and the other Jessica (AKA Ah Leng). I may be biased, but my CG friends are pretty awesome people! Of coz where there are human, there will be drama - especially everyone have different life experiences but we are all still getting to know each other la. As for getting baptised, we have a date already! It will be on 17 May 2026!! Yay!
2.Volunteer at KSK again!
Although I havent touch base with KSK for 12yrs, I have always have passion for this cause. I really enjoy serving the homeless and urban poor. Mainly for my own fulfilment la. I dont wanna be a hypocrite and act like i am super selfless. I am not la. haha. I like the feeling I get every time i served the clients. I feel good that I am helping the less fortunate. Anyways, it took me a few mths to finally decided to msg KSK again to volunteer. Also coz Justin Cheah didnt reply me! At first I msged him to ask him if there is slot for me to volunteer ma, then he replied me that last min cannot slot me in. Then a few weeks later i msged him again, this time terus tak baca my msg! So I also macam lazy to find out how to volunteer again. Coz I heard a lot of changes since 12yrs ago! Anyways, a week after i msg KSK, they finally replied me and told me the only slot they have available are the Food Rescue program that is happening on weekdays between 11am-2pm. Basically the task is to drive to the collection point (can be anywhere they assign us to) and collect the food and deliver to the less fortunates like orphanage or old folks homes (also up to them to assign us). But the criteria is need 2 volunteers each time. I started asking AC and my CG friends but none of them are free. So I told KSK i cant, coz i dont have another volunteer. Then they reply me that saturday street distribution got slot and asked if i am interested. of coz laaaaaa... that was what i wanted in the first place! I asked in FB who wanna teman me and Christine replied and we went together! We did Tun Perak route. Which is one of the easiest route (based on our 12yrs ago experience ahhh) - but i totally overestimated myself. I totally forgotten I am no longer as fit as 12yrs ago (and i wasnt even fit 12yrs ago!!!!), and I ended up overexerted myself and puked and lausaied like mad after!! and I was sort of bedridden for 2 or 3 days! very dasyat! I had to kept on chatting with ChatGPT to ask what are the stuffs i can eat and drink! very kelian you know?? hahaha! Anyways, I terus msg KSK and tell them I would like to permanently volunteer for Static Distribution instead and they put me at Medan Tuanku! I have been volunteering there for almost 2 months since! And I am super loving it la! Now I am trying to get one of my CG friend, Chriselle to volunteer with me for the Food Rescue. But she doesnt really seem interested though! haha!
3. Reconnect with old friends in KL
So far, have reconnected with Effie and Ay Ping (OCBC girls), met up with Gladys a few times coz she is staying super near me, met Yee Ling (my housemate from college days) and still trying to sync time with Abbie to meet! The rest? Well, they know I have moved to KL but they didnt approach me to meet, so it is ok ba. hahahah
Ok, i wanna end this update liao. Actually. i logged in here because i wanted to blog about my thoughts on death but now i am too sleepy liao! hahaahahahahaha
See when I have the mood to log in again and see if i have to mood to share about my thoughts on death ba
I am seriously shocked and sadden by the news. I know we have not been in contact for years but he will forever be a very dear friend to me. I am very grateful for his friendship. We have been schoolmates since primary school but we were never close. We only became good friends when we have all grown up and reconnected in our late 20s when a few old schoolmates decided to have a small gathering at some mamak in Puchong. We then found out we actually stayed opposite each other in Kelana Jaya. So we lepak more - a lot of supper sessions together (since he usually work till late - life of a retailer). Only 2 of us, coz it was out of convenience due to proximity. We gradually became really good friends coz we have similar wavelengths and sense of humor. But our friendship was pretty seasonal. We can suddenly be hanging out with each other almost everyday and texting each other everyday to not chatting or meeting up for months or a few years. Then when we reconnect, there wasn't any awkwardness and we could just text each other everyday sharing our thoughts and stuffs. But he suddenly stop texting me and blocking me a few years ago because he told me his gf didn't like our friendship. I was seriously hurt. But i understand. The last time we chatted daily, we were telling each other how we will never get married and we jokingly made a pact that we will check in to the same nursing home and be each other’s wing person and help each other to hook up.
He always pop up in my mind every once in awhile. Then today suddenly i saw this notice on his FB page. Honestly, i cannot believe it. Coz truth to be told, i always hold on to the belief that he will eventually back in contact with me again - like how our friendship has always been. Seasonal. On off on off on off. Now, it is permanently off already.
Thank you for the friendship, Michael Fong. Guess we will never grow old together in a nursing home being each other’s wing person any more. Till we meet again in Heaven, Rest In Peace
