Recently I have decided to major spring clean the house once and for all.
Been getting rid of damn a lot of stuffs - mostly my mom's stuffs. coz she was a hoarder
Yesterday, we decided to tackle my childhood room and I found damn a lot of old photos and old old old letters. Which let me to:
1.
realised we all made damn a lot of effort to keep our friendships back then! most of the letters (hand written ahhhh) were easily 10pages long! I didn't read all of them though. Coz I knew reading them will bring back a lot of memories that will probably trigger my depression. Which that happened today when I woke up. I feel damn down now. I feel like I am seriously a very bad friend for not making an effort to continue writing. I know I am mostly to be blamed coz I actually found a few unsent letters for those friends. mostly ex friends.
then the thoughts and feelings went spiral downwards. I started to recall the many many fights I had with them. mostly telling me what an irritating bitch I was (prolly still am) and that I should change. But I remember always feeling damn indignant when I was being told of my flaws. as if like they are so perfect and nothing wrong? as if like I didn't accept them as who they are? but then I started to think, I am a horrible person. I guess they have had enough of me.
2.
those old pics. we all looked so damn genuinely happy! and now I feel damn depressed. why? coz we are no longer friends. how come? am I really not worthy enough for them to made an effort to be friends with me? which lead back to - I am a horrible person. that's why they don't bothered to be friends with me anymore.
3.
how come I cannot smile and laugh like before? most of my smile can see twinkle in my eyes one! I can see I was really really really happy. but I also recall I was super suicidal then. what happened to me? how come I cannot smile like that anymore?
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anyways, I am too lazy to elaborate more about my feelings coz - I don't know - I am just too sad to meluahkan perasaan aku.
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