Dear MF,

How are you up there? Do you think of me and miss me like i miss you once in awhile?

Recently our schoolmates are very hardworking trying to gather everyone to have a grand reunion and STM1 classmates formed another smaller group chat and we have been pretty active in the beginning. Then, as in human nature, we started to discover why are choose to lose contact with each other in the first place. Ok, mainly it is me la 

Surprise surprise! Arthur and I became good friend again. I told him about us coz i feel he needs some closure and I am still pissed at you for the lies. 

Anyways, i will talk to you about the lies when we see each other next time

Yesterday my classmates had a small little reunion at Ra's house. I noticed so many things that we both talked about last time

Like how childish and gossipy those people are. Like as if they are not out from high school yet. The whole time i was "yan"-ing, I kept thinking of you. I kept imagining your impatience face and i kept imagining you going out for a smoking break 😂 

As i was working last nite, I started to imagine the conversations we will have driving back and how you will keep asking me why do i still bothered to be in contact with them? I was imagining you lecturing me telling me that I shld love myself more and dont hang out with people who are toxic for me.

And i also imagine us being mean and made fun of them and laughing at them in our car ride home. 

i miss you, MF. I miss that you "get" me, that you know the frustrations i feel about them, coz we both sama kepala in that sense. I tried to tell Sharm about it, but I feel that she dont really get it. No one really get it except you, MF. 

I am gonna abruptly end here and I refuse to sign off coz i dont want this to be a final letter to you. 

Revisiting...

.... the past that I tried to block away for years....

Back story, I think it was in my late 20s and early 30s, I have beginning to see how toxic my Primary & Secondary school friends were. Not only the females (since females tend to be bitchy ma) but also the males - the males are the biggest gossips. 

I grew up with the toxic them that i thought being gossipy and teasing people in a playful but mean way is a norm. - Maybe that's why my brother hated me when we were growing up. 

So, over the years, I purposely stop meeting and chatting with these people. The only one that I was in close contact with was MF. Coz MF also purposely stop contacting them. I remember MF and i used to discussed about these bunch of people. Of how gossipy and childish of them that they are so narrow minded that they just like to gossip about other people's business!

One of the most annoying thing that one of them did to MF and I were. Back in the days, I was super infatuated with MF. And if u read back this blog, I talked so much about him. MF know. MF still layan me as a close friend. MF and I still go out and lepak together very often. One of them actually called MF during work to ask if we are together. And that if MF knew I was infatuated with him. MF was pissed. Coz MF was a workaholic and he do not appreciate being disturbed during working hours being asked such none of anyone business stuffs! Coz ya mah, it is between both of us what. why other ppl wanna masuk campur, kan?? I didnt know about the call, I was ambushed a few weeks later when there were a gathering at one of the their houses. I went (dreading) coz they told me MF will be there. I said ok i will go - with the thinking "ok la, at least got one person whom i am really ok with there". I didnt check with MF, coz he busy ma. I remember he were setting up 2 new outlets, so he were super busy. But MF didnt show up for the gathering. Then i got "ambushed". One of them suddenly asked me in front of everyone "What is the story between u and MF?" everyone in the gathering stopped talking and all attention were on me. I felt trapped. So i told the truth "Nothing is going on between us. We are super good friend and I am crushing on him" I remember a few of them smirked and snickered and i felt super embarrassed and self conscious. And then i felt angry. Coz i felt that it was really none of their fucking business. Why wanna be so kaypoh?

After the gathering, I msged MF to let him know what happened. We met up for drinks and he was so angry. And he told me about the call. We both were so pissed coz we both also agree that if there is something developed between us, it is between us what. it is none of other people's business what. what gives them the rights to come kaypoh at us?

Yes, MF and I were super close. We hold hands, we hugs, we kiss..we just didnt make things official. sort of like an open relationship

Anyways, why am i triggered suddenly? Well, we are 50yrs old this year and they decided that it is time for us to do a big reunion. When Wendy asked me yesterday, I was open to it. I thought i have let go (coz i found peace with God ma) and honestly, I forgotten about the mean gossip people mean gossiping. Maybe i was super optimistic that we have all grown up and be matured and wont do such childish thing (like being a mean gossip) anymore. And so, the group chat created. And so the chats started flowing in and the more i read, the more i am disgusted and the more I am asking myself why am I subjecting myself in this ah? 

The primary school name calling started flowing in, the insinuating gossips start flowing in. It is so damn annoying. It is like they all havent grown up at all! The more i read the chat, the more i am so super disgusted with them! 

I wish MF is still around. I will confirm msg him and rant it all out to him!!

Crying

 ... is very therapeutic

That previous post were typed with blurry tear soaked eyes. My way of coping with all these sadness is to try my very best to be positive and console myself. At least God love me. I shld be grateful that He is always faithful towards me. 

But... i yearn for physical earthly love too

Family...

 .... i have none

Relatives.... i have too many

I always try to lie to myself i have an awesome family. Do i? Nope. I have an awesome group of relatives.

I am all alone. An orphan. My brother has his own family that i dont belong to

My uncles and aunty have their own family that i dont belong to

My cousins have their own family that i dont belong to

Dont get me wrong, they are all nice people. But to them, I am their close relative. I am not family. They might deny it but the signs are there. Their actions and thoughts are obvious.

What are my supporting incidences that makes me feel this way?

CNY 2025 - None of the Angs side invited me to their CNY reunion. I was adopted by the Lums and the Wongs. It was fun - as a guest. I dont belong. My brother and SIL came back and had reunion with SIL's family, I was invited few hours prior - i guess as an after thought. I declined since i already accepted the Lums and Wong's invitation. After it is over, I realized the Angs had their own mini reunion, they didnt even bothered to invite me. Coz I am a relative. Not a family. I dont have a family

Kaiyeh's new GF - So Belinda and Eunice had a vid call with him and his new gf were there and they met each other. when i ask "Eh how come didnt add me in the call?" coz i treat them as family. not because i am kaypoh. Belinda's nonchalant reply were "This is our family meeting first ma... next time only add u la" I know she dont mean to hurt me. But i was hurt a bit. Yes, I dont belong. I guess i was never belonged to anywhere ever since papa and mummy passed. 

When mom were still alive and bedridden, the Lims will still invite me out for CNY reunion dinner. But immediately after mom died. They cut me off completely. It was as if when mom were alive, they just tolerated me. It is still ok. I was never really close to them anyways. 

Yes, my relatives are super fun. That's it. Just for fun. It is like fair-weathered friends, but they are fair-weathered relatives.

i am really an orphan trying my very best to act like i am not affected, but i am really really sad and lonely

P/S: this post is NOT asking for sympathy or asking ppl to adopt me. I dont want it anyways, coz i will never feel belonged coz it will feel like they are forcing themselves to adopt me out of pity. we can not force ppl to love and accept us.

Stupid things...

... that Annoying Grouchy BFF (aka AK) said/did

So, AK has been traveling to KL very often for work and I have been meeting him very often to be his driver and leech on his meals (coz he gets to claim USD50 per meal and that is damn alot in Msia!!). 

Anyways, recently he came at a last min notice and as usual, I went to fetch him from the airport and went makan! After makan whilst i was driving him to his hotel, he went: "Wait, I need to call my wife" - pretty normal and standard, right?

Phone rang (he did vid call)

Wife answered

Him: Babe! Remember to go collect my pants!

(I terus in my heart went: WTF! I thought he wanted to call the wife to let her know he arrived safely and he miss her and the boys already - as what a normal loving husband and daddy would do, right???)

Wife (in teasing tone): Awwwww.... and i thought you miss my face, that's why you vid call me

(Me: started laughing)

Him (not skipping a beat): I saw your face last nite already! 

(Me: rolled my eyes) 

they continue with their conversation and i just continue to concentrate on my driving. BY THE WAY, he is banned from sitting in front passenger seat coz he love to kacau my car android player just to annoy the hell out of me. and he knows i get super annoyed when he fiddle with the player!

Before he hang up he went: Wait babe, say hello to Jessica! (and shoved the phone to my face whilst i was driving)

We exchanged pleasantries and i got to see his boys.

Wife: Oh... I was wondering which mysterious woman you are with! It's Jessica! So it is ok! 

Him: WTF

Me: Hahahahahahaah! 

I love his wife! She is one of the chillest wife i have ever known! And she is sooooo pretty! Every time i see her posts and saw how pretty she is, i terus msg AK and tell him so! hahaha! i does sound like i have a crush on her hor?? hahaha

----

On the way to dinner:

AK: I miss the boys when they were younger!

Me (in my heart thinking): awwww so sweet. this daddy miss his babies! what a sweet daddy!

AK: they looked so much STUPIDER when they were younger!

Me (Burst into laughter): OI!!!! AND THERE I WAS THINKING: WAHHH THIS DADDY SO SWEET! WHERE GOT DADDY SAY SUCH THINGS ABOUT THEIR OWN CHILDREN GEH????

AK (laughed): what??? they were really stupidly cute last time ma!!!

Yes, this AK is not a conventional human. He dont really speak conventional human emotions. That's why we are BFF, he ground me when i get too emotionally!