Debbie Downer moments...

I am feeling depressed today. Just now, driving back to Kluang from Parit Raja, at one of the intersection, I saw a car with words that says "Noordin Family Sdn Bhd" then I started thinking; "Wah! this Noordin guy must really love and trust his family a lot to create a company with his family; for his family."

Then i started thinking and I realized that in order to have that kind of love and trust in the family, you really need to create your own nuclear family of husband, wife (ok, maybe husbands / wives) and children - then only you can truly call your own family.

Then i realized further that that was what my brother is doing. To him, only him, his wife, his daughters and dog matters. Other people doesn't matter. He has his own Brother Cow Family Sdn Bhd.

Then it hit me. I can never have that. I will never have that; coz I have never ever felt truly 100% accepted anywhere in any family - even though people can use their mouth to say they all love me the same. Like kaima (I do love her loads) always tells me she loves me like she loves all her kids the same. No more no less - but I know it is not true at all. She always always favour abang and tasya. And I memang never have any intention to expect other wise - coz I am memang not her flesh and blood.

Then I realized the only people who truly love me unconditionally is either dead or bedridden macam dead. And i am truly truly truly alone. An orphan. And it is very sad.

All these coz of Noordin Family Sdn Bhd!!!!

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I wrote the above in Whatsapp with Small Cow & Minger about 3 hours ago. I was crying like mad then. I was sooooo sad. Then I read back what I wrote and I realized that this is something I would like to record down - with a sliver of hope that my situation / feelings will change in the future and I would be able to re-read this post and say to myself "awwww..... i am glad i dont feel this way anymore"

Honestly, after crying and talking about it with a few others... ya... I memang will rant out to people to let it outta my system - i actually feel much much better now.

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Tanya and I ended up chatted about our singlehood from what i wrote about my sadnesss

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Obelix ended up telling me his tragic lausai story....which is really disturbingly funny

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i shall abruptly end this post. bye