Tuesday, April 7, 2009

i m at the verge of crying now. funny hor? just this morning i was feeling so damn fucking happy, the world suddenly decided to be ugly.

spoke to my dad just now. he brought up the topic of me taking over his business again. meaning, going back to kluang for good. meaning, losing freedom, losing MF and losing my sanity. i know realistically, it's good for me, less expenditure at higher pay. meaning to say i can clear off my debts as soon as possible. but, what about emotionally? you see, my mom and i, we are still working hard in this mother-daughter relationship thingie. she has done a lot of stuffs that hurt me all my life and i am scarred for life. basically, my mom hates me. and my mom is crazy. if you think my moodswings and temper is bad, look at my mom. hers is like 10 times worst than mine. when she is really really pissed, she dont give a flying fuck if she ended up killing someone. she really dont. one of my scariest childhood memories of her was she thought my dad was having an affair, she so took a knife running after my dad and my dad was able to lock himself in the room in the nick of time and she actually stabbed the room door a few times. the holes on the door were a constant memory for the next 13-14 years before we renovated the house. no one really believed my brother and i when we told them of such incident. another memory was when my mom tried to kill my bro and i by forcing us to swallow detergent water. but i dont remember much after that. obviously we survived la. i think she wanted to kill both of us before killing herself. fast forward to 10 yrs ago, when i left singapore to come back to malaysia to study, i was staying in kluang for 2 weeks before coming over to kl. mom being mom, decided to be crazy and beat me up (yea, i was 23 yrs old then and i still got beaten up by my mom) over some stupid arguments. they left for jb for the weekend and i didnt go with them. i attempted suicide. the funny thing was, i was still a fucking clean girl then, meaning to say, i dont smoke and dont do drugs. and popping those pills trying to kill myself was the 1st high feeling i ever had. and i didnt like it at all. obviously i didnt die right? 88 pills and i didnt die, just fucking high and then 3 days later, had my 1st mild heart attack.

so yea, going back to kluang to take over my dad's business is like the end of the world for me. but if i dont go back, i seriously do not know how to survive here in kl anymore.

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